A Jigsaw Puzzle of Emotions: Rediscovering Self through Healing

My therapist shared quite an interesting analogy with me today. She said that we are like a jigsaw puzzle, composed of numerous random pieces that come together to create a complete image of who we are. When we are very concerned with pleasing others, we become attuned to their needs. Consequently, we may remove pieces that they might dislike or find uncomfortable.

For some reason, among all the great analogies she shared with me today, this one found a home and lingered with me more than I wished it would. The imagery of ruining one's puzzle just to polish another's is powerful. So much so that I sometimes feel that I removed a different piece for different people each time until I am left with none of my own—I don't know who I really am and I feel empty and drained.

It makes me think: How can I break this cycle? How can I teach myself a different behavior that is so separate from the identity that I developed over 34 years? Well, the answer came sooner than I thought. Unfortunately, the answer is that I needed to be forced to do that, that I needed to learn it the hard way. The hard way for me is my long-trusted friend: my migraines. I've been suffering from paralyzing migraines constantly for over 15 years. Many people don't know this about me, but probably every time they met me, at work or at social gatherings and events, I had this friend tagging along. But, as I believed that my whole being is to serve others, I'd never wanted them to feel bad, to feel that the event should have been canceled, or that they can't be happy or dance around because I'm feeling bad, or any of a thousand more scenarios - so I faked that I'm feeling good. Can you imagine that? Having a pain that is throbbing so hard that feels as if an iron rod is stuck in your skull and your head is trying to pull it out, and you feel that for days, and for days, you swallow strong pills (one time, when I was studying abroad, the doctor didn't want to prescribe me the pills because he said they're too strong and they'd give it to horses), that don't actually help, but they help to numb the pain a little, and you do all that while smiling to others and sometimes even dancing at a party. I always joked that my superpower is pleasing others - that there's no other force greater than this for me. Similar situations would happen again and again until my body would finally shut down, and I'd ignore the world for a week or so, and then come back to doing the exact same thing.

Lately, my migraines have been stronger than before, more frequent than before. While everything was physically okay with me, I decided that something else had to change. It's finally time to find myself. It's time to know who I am without pleasing others and to actually start to please myself. I'm struggling with this beyond words, but the end goal is so worth it! There are a few tactics that I've adopted for about a month, and, get this - not one migraine ever since! I'm even scared to write it down because I don't want to jinx it, but wow, can that be it? all these years, is it possible that all I needed was to put me first? Well, I don't have the answer to that yet, but I'm doing this experiment and will share my findings as I go. I want also to remind myself here that progress is not linear and not to get discouraged if and when a day comes and I won't be as strong as I wish to be.

This is what I did that worked for me so far:

Slow Down: I first slowed down. I slowed down in every aspect of my life. I receive tons of messages on WhatsApp, and that usually overwhelms me and stresses me out because I don't have time and energy to reply the way I usually reply to people (it might sound funny, but I take notes when I listen to people's recording messages so I'll know what to answer and what I have to remember and think of follow-up questions. And written texts would never be replied to with a 'reaction' or just an emoji but with a full-on reaction with the goal in mind to make the other person feel uplifted), and if I can't reply the way I usually reply, it's better I won't reply at all. Same with calls. If someone calls me, and I'm not in my best energy to listen to show empathy, to give loving advice, to applaud - then it's better not to take the call. And then, the moment will come that I would have about 12 people to get back to, and about 60 messages to respond to, and I would freak out and be down with a migraine (and still go out, meet friends, and have some long conversations on the phone). In the past few weeks, I actively chose not to do that. I dedicate 1 hour of my day, 1 single hour, to reply to texts. Sometimes, during this hour, I reply only to one person because, as I said earlier, I don't know how to reply small. After this hour, I'm done. Whomever I didn't reply to will wait for another day. It's harsh, and I'm aware it's not a nice behavior, to say the least, but at the moment, there's no other way for me. To fill other cups, I need to fill mine first. To help others, I need to put on my own oxygen mask first. And slowing it down, limiting the time that drains me to a minimum, made my shoulders feel a little bit lighter. How to choose who to reply to today and who to call back tomorrow? that's up to you. For me, mostly I focus on my family first. All the other amazing people and relationships I have in my life are of great importance to me. I value them, appreciate them, and am thankful I have them in my life, but I put my family first.

Compassion - Not Judgment: My inner voice is super critical and judgmental. No matter what I do, I think I can do better, that I did something wrong. I use hard words towards myself. I tell myself that I'm embarrassing, that I'm stupid, that I'm ugly, and in general that I'm just a really bad person. Now it's obvious to me that when I talk like this to myself, nothing will actually change, and that nothing good can come up with this kind of talk. I've heard many who talk recently about how we need to practice more self-compassion and treat ourselves as we treat our friends. For me, this jump is too far. Instead, I instill doubt within myself. If by instinct I say to myself that I'm stupid, I stop and doubt it. I try to think of a situation where I wasn't stupid at all, and I actually did or said the smart thing, and kind of tell myself - 'You see, that's not actually true, is it?' and stay there awhile. I realized that after doing this a few times, I felt more energized, and I slowly understood that I could actually be my best friend for myself. I know how to do these pep talks, I've done them all my life for others, so I'm giving myself permission to enjoy these pep talks for myself. I will always have me, and I can utilize it for my own benefit if I just show a little more compassion and a little less criticism. Right now, only by instilling doubt, I see a huge difference. It makes me hopeful for the future and excited to experience what true self-compassion will do for my future.

Take A Break: Take a break not only when you work or when you study but take a break from the race of life. What I mean by that is obviously not to harm you or anyone else, of course, but to take a break from what the world is expecting you to do, what you expect yourself to do. To take a break from trying to be perfect, to take a break from trying to be productive, to take a break from trying to control everything, just take a break and do it regularly, and if possible - at least once a day. It doesn't have to be a long one, but it shouldn't be a harmful one. The way I see it, having a cheat day is not a break for me and I see it as a harmful break. Because then I'd feel bad, I might actually have a migraine from it too, I'd feel sluggish and uncomfortable, and it doesn't bring back my energies. For me to take a break means - to put my earphones on and listen to my favorite music of all time for at least a couple of songs. I love music, it's such an amazing cure for anything, so I'd use it also to do dancing parties on my own, in my room, when the door is shut and the blinds are up, and I'd dance like I'm 14 in the '00s. I'd write songs or play the guitar. I'd learn something new that is fun for me, for example - how to draw, a new language, some random skills that I appreciate, etc. These things represent for me the ultimate break because it is a break from what the world thinks matters, and to do the things that matter and are fun for me.

Journal: It might sound a bit melancholic, but I always loved journaling because I always felt lonely. Even surrounded in a crowded room, I'd feel like nobody heard me no matter how loud I was screaming. Sometimes, I tested it out and actually told people something that was bothering me - and the reaction was always, I mean always, the same: either they became extremely angry with me or ignored whatever it was that I was saying. So I filled pages and pages of journals ever since I was 9 years old. To this day, journaling is one of my favorite things because it is the only place I can truly be my most authentic self. After reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron, I learned about the "morning pages." The morning pages are 3 pages that you write every single morning by hand, intending to write whatever comes to mind. Maybe it'll be something creative, and maybe it'll be just to vent about something or to document something, really whatever comes to mind. In other words, journaling. I used to journal whenever I felt like it, and sometimes it could have been a few pages, and sometimes just a few words, but now, I'm writing 3 pages, every morning. The impact is wonderful. Not only do I feel more inclined to write as I go, I understand myself a lot more, and it's my time to just process on paper whatever it is I need to process and to set myself free.

The Pendulum Swing: There are many comparisons of the movement of a Pendulum Swing to situations we experience in life. The comparison I want to talk about here is that when we work on changing our behaviors, we sometimes find it easier to go to the other extreme side of things. In this context, if I want to stop being a people-pleaser, I must then become a selfish person and think only about myself. If it happens, again, there's no need to be judgmental, the other tactics above can help with regulating it and with showing that that's not a necessity. I can stop pleasing people when it's against my values or when it's not following my needs, but I can be very nice and accommodating about it. I can bring up alternatives, I can be polite, I can come halfway, but in the end, I want to remember that a good place is in between, in the gray area, where I don't get burned by any of the extreme points of this swing.

Therapy: Last, but definitely not least, talking to a licensed therapist. Sometimes we're afraid to go to therapy because we don't want to go deeper, but the problem is that it's like a leak in the house. You can put buckets around the house to catch the water or put a few rugs or cloths to block the water, but the leak is still there and can cause serious damage. When we know something is wrong with our teeth, we immediately book an appointment with our dentist because we know how bad and expensive that would get if not, and although I've never heard of anyone saying that they love going to the dentist - they do it anyway. Here is the same. We need to take care of ourselves, and although it's the last tactic on this blog, it's the best place to start. The process in therapy is not easy, and it's possible to feel a lot worse before feeling better, but when we get to that side of feeling better, it feels as if we can breathe again, that we are alive, and what an amazing gift it is.

These are the main things that I do, and my goodness how I wish I started sooner. If any of this sounds familiar to you, then think about the process of healing our minds and our emotions is similar to the healing process of anything else; if we're tired- we go to sleep, if we're thirsty - we drink water, if the house is messy - we organize, if we break a bone - we put it back together. So try to think about the places in your life that need some adjustments, and if you feel drained for some reason - figure out the healing side of it, and heal. I'll end up by quoting the wise Christopher Robin, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know," and being you is worth protecting.

Sending lots of love and happiness your way.